Most of us have had the moment when we are told a dear friend or loved one is being placed on hospice care. One of our first thoughts is
“I need to go see him/her”, then the question of “when” enters into the equation.
Do we ask ourselves “when” out of convenience for them or for our own personal comfort? If the reason is because of your personal comfort than we must examine ourselves deeper and ask why are we concerned with “when”. Is it because of our own fear of death? Is it related to anger? Or is it maybe “the principal” (due to a disagreement of some sort)? Stop and ask yourself if any reason is commensurate to death and dying.
When is a good time to visit our loved one? NOW. Put your personal feelings aside. You will be happy you did.
Obviously, there are some common courtesies that should be respected. You don’t want to go visit in the middle of the night. Whether your loved one is in a facility or at home, you should be aware of any schedules and the patients needs. It is always best to call ahead of time and ask what time would be best to visit.
Now is the time for final words and/or second chances. This is about your loved one, not about you, but you both will gain from this experience.
Plan your visit accordingly. Begin with planning a 15 minute duration but allow additional time in your schedule if your loved one has the stamina and desires a longer visit. Don’t limit yourself from this time and experience.
Be yourself. Greet them as you normally would whether that is a fist bump, hug or just a “hi there”. Anything other than yourself will make the time more awkward and uncomfortable for everyone.
Sit down and be present with them. Give them the attention they deserve.
Let the conversation go where the patient directs it. The most important thing is to listen and take the direction from the patient. Listen to their anger, fear or anxiety. It is not necessary to always comment. Sometimes they don’t want to talk about death and dying, sometimes its all about memories. Share those memories with them. It’s okay to laugh, it’s okay to cry.
Visit more, whether by phone, text or in person. Don’t promise to visit unless this is your intention. Remember to speak the truth, tomorrow isn’t promised, so each visit may be the last.
Best Wishes
