Regret is defined as to be very sorry for something. Whether it is something we could have done or shouldn’t have done, regret is a very powerful emotion and at the end of life, we don’t want to have any regrets. The choices of the past can produce regrets. At the end of life it is our past choices which can haunt us most because we have little to no future to modify those choices.
Bronnie Ware was a pallative care nurse who recorded realizations of patients she cared for in their last days. This blog brought so much attention she put these into a book, “The Top 5 Regrets of the Dying”. “When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently,” she says, “common themes surfaced again and again.”
As Ms. Ware noted, “People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality.” In addition, I would like to note, caregivers and other loved ones grow a lot when they are faced with a loved one’s mortality. This is not to underestimate the significance of the dying, however it also affects those that are remaining. Not only do the caregivers and loved ones not want any regrets for those who are moving forward, but it reminds us of our own mortality and regrets. We still have the ability to choose and change to eliminate any regrets we may have at our own end of life. Choose wisely.
Below is a personal review of the top 5 regrets as recorded by Ms. Ware with a twist. Along with Ms. Ware’s list is an examination of what we, as remaining loved ones, can do to minimize our own regrets.
1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
This was the most common regret of all. When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honored even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made. It is very important to try and honor at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realize, until they no longer have it.
It’s not too late to start. Fear of the unknown (tends to go toward the darkest end of the spectrum) has controlled me for many years. What if I fail, what will I lose, what if, what if, what if. Always leaning toward the negative. Changing that thought was brought to life when I assisted Mike in his last days. That light in my heart grew into a raging fire. I was good at my regular job, but my heart and soul is an artist. I’ve always known that but too afraid of the “what if’s” to take the chance. I realized the importance of recording the end of life in photography and how I could help and create art. Soon afterward I retired and started my journey as a End of Life photography and artist. I still have the “what if’s” creep into my mind, but I now try to turn them around, what if I can help others with the grief of losing a loved one, how wonderful that will feel. What if I can give a dying person the memories of love and compassion in their last days on this earth. Not letting the what if’s of the past control the what if’s of the future.
2. I wish I didn’t work so hard. This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence. By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more op en to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.
Priority is key to this thought. What is our priority. So many times we allow ourselves to be consumed by the latest and greatest “thing” that we lose focus on what truly makes us happy. Yes, there are still the necessities, which cannot and should not be overlooked, but evaluate what we consider is a necessity is key here. Since retiring and focusing on my business and artwork I have found my balance. I commit my time to playing and home work. By homework I am referencing all the chores and such that I need to do for my home. These have continued to be done on weekends just as I did when I had my regular job. Playing is defined a bit different. The thing is, since I now actually enjoy my “job” which is getting my End of Life photography business up and running and creating art, I now play during the week and work on the weekends. My priorities have changed a lot since I’ve retired. I don’t “need” a lot to be happy and I definitely don’t need the “latest and greatest” of anything. I do admit, there are times when I see the newest camera lens or camera and I am tempted, but I remember the priorities in my life and that does a pretty good job of stopping the adrenaline rush.
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings. Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result. We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.
Wow, this I struggle with. Mainly due to the fact that I, like many, have a tendency to speak with my emotions. When I experience high emotions I become more assertive. Yes there are times that assertiveness is necessary and warranted, but not always. One of my previous bosses once told me that when a situation arises and makes you feel on the defense, don’t speak. Let your heartbeat return to normal and your breathes regulate before you open your mouth. Basically think before you speak. He was the best boss I ever had. Unfortunately he passed away from ALS, but I still remember this lesson he taught me. Don’t suppress your feelings, just learn to express them and tell your truth in a more productive manner.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends. Often they would not truly realize the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying. It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.
With the use of social media this has allowed some resolution of this issue of regret. I have connected with so many friends through social media. Many are not close in the vicinity but we do continue the connection.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier. This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realize until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again. When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.
Choose happiness. In today’s world being bombarded with the negativity that seems to surround us we sometimes feel “wrong” for being happy. What we have to remember is that it is our choice and each individual’s choice to be happy. We cannot let the fear of other’s opinions of our happiness smother that happiness. I’ve experienced dark places of my own and know the struggle at times to see any happiness. One of the many things photography/art has taught me is to, look beyond, look deeper, there is beauty in everything but you have to look for it.
As Bronnie Ware states, “Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.” I couldn’t agree more.
Brief Summary of Bronnie Ware’s book can be found here:
Do you have any regrets? Has this article helped you? I’d like to hear your thoughts.
Best wishes
