Do you honor a dying person’s last wishes? What is your character? I had 4 older brothers. At this time 2 of my brothers have moved forward. One was by suicide the other was a result of illness. I have chosen not to have my other 2 brothers as a part of my life any longer as a result of the cruelty they inflicted on me in the past. Therefore I choose not to have them as a part of my present or future life.
This dilemma recently came up in my personal life. One of my living brothers contacted my son making demeaning and hurtful comments to my son for not telling him that Mike had passed away. This has caused a rift between my son and I. We still need to discuss it – but for now, here I am. My second brother moved forward after a long battle due to complications from a stroke. Mike and I were close. We talked over the phone weekly until his stroke minimized his speech. Even then, I spoke with his wife weekly. I was aware that he too had nothing to do with our other 2 siblings. I’m unsure exactly what his reasoning was. I do know he did not agree with the way they had treated my father in previous incidents. From my understanding, both of them had threatened to harm dad in one way or another. At the time, my dad was in his 80’s and living in his home. Mike was a man of great integrity. He stood up for the “weak” and had the protector soul. Because of these issues, Mike, like me and my father, had been estranged from these brothers for several years.
I had the honor to be with Mike in his last days. I was personally conflicted as to whether or not to notify any family. I knew I could not tell dad, who was 95 at the time and suffering from dementia, as this would cause additional stress on his already frail mind and body. I, personally, did not want to contact my other brothers, but this was not about me. It wasn’t about my comfort or wants, it was about Mike. I didn’t want him to have any last regrets.
The morphine regiment was to begin the next day. It was then that I realized this was the time to ask Mike what he wanted. I pushed my personal feelings aside and asked Mike if he wanted to speak to our brothers. He adamantly told me “NO”, in a very forceful tone. I told him “ok”, but went on and asked him if he wanted them to know of his passing.
Again he stressed his answer with a “NO”. I again told him “ok” and accepted his choice. I also asked if he wanted to talk with his kids, which he did and I arranged a call with them so they could speak with him. He did not want to see them. I believe it was because he did not want them to see him in that stage. He didn’t specifically say why, but it was more the way he gestured and looked when he told me “no” in a timid tone.
Fast forward 8 months since his passing. A personal situation occurred with one of my sons that brought about the disclosure that a couple of weeks earlier one of my living brothers had contacted my son regarding Mike’s death and the fact that he was not notified of Mike’s passing. I was unaware of this communication and aggravated by the way my son had thrown it in my face that I had put him in the middle. This made me question my values and beliefs within myself.
How important is it to honor a dead person’s wishes? I guess it depends on your integrity, and character. I have a tattoo that states, “Character is a Reflection of the Soul”. This is a reminder to me that how you live your life reflects your soul. What was my character? Did I do the right thing, was I wrong confiding in my son? So many questions with no answers in that moment that caused frustration and doubt within myself.
Some believe that after someone moves forward it’s no longer significant. After all they can’t do
anything about it.
After careful consideration and interminable amount of time I have decided that I did the right thing for me and Mike at that moment and I do not regret it. I personally believe that I made that agreement with Mike while he was still living. It is my responsibility to honor his wishes, it is a reflection of my character. I made a commitment and I choose to live up to my commitment with the sense of integrity rather than appease someone else.
I’d love to hear your thoughts on this subject. How important do you view a dying person’s last wishes?
Best Wishes
