Those are two subjects I never thought I’d be saying, let alone practicing. Firstly, the word “blog” was not a word in the days of my formal education. In this day and age, especially my age, wrapping my head around blogging has been difficult. I actually had to do some research as to what blogging is and how to write a one. The idea of writing more “personal” information is not something I was taught. I was taught to inform through essay type writing, with an objective opinion and strict structure. Report the facts as they appear and let the reader decide. To write any personal information is challenging. I was taught to keep my personal feelings to myself, don’t show vulnerability, don’t let them see you cry. It is personal, mine and mine alone.
Then there is the taboo subject of end of life, death and dying. This was not openly discussed and once again to share feelings and/or opinions of such a taboo subject was not conceivable. Here I am, not only wanting to openly discuss the subject, but choosing to photograph and share my personal experiences. Recalling my upbringing makes me wonder why death wasn’t more openly discussed. My mother was a nurse and saw her fair share of death, yet she never discussed it. There were many other discussions about bed pans being thrown across a room, a patient waking during surgery, the horrific gash resulting from a motorcycle accident, but rarely was there any mention of death. Maybe it’s easier for me now because I am older and I am now closer to that end of the spectrum.
As the years have gone on, I have since experienced the loss of loved ones from various reasons, accidental, suicide and illness. I have come to realize that the discussion of death was and still is viewed as a taboo, yet it is unavoidable in everyone’s life.
Sudden deaths such as accidental and suicide do not allow us the “time” and we’re always left feeling of being cheated. We don’t get the time to say all the things we wanted to. No chance to give one more hug or hold their hand, share the love, just one more time. We are left with great regret and emptiness. End of life through terminal illness is no less a grief we must bare, but hospice allows us to be awarded with that “time”. Time to express our love through words and actions with indisputable compassion with no limitations.
I’ve had two of my brothers move forward from this life in two very different ways. My first brother, Steve, chose to take his own life. This left the family with so many questions, regrets and wonders, as many others in the same situation are left to feel. After 24 years I still have regrets that I didn’t have the opportunity to tell him how much I loved him, to give him one more hug, to just hold his hand in support.
My second brother, Mike, moved forward as a result of illness. Although it is still sad and hurts, I have no regrets. I had the honor to help him in his end of life journey, I was awarded that “time” with him and those precious last moments to share and relish. I also had the privilege to document this momentous occasion through photography. It was not my intention, I just wanted some pictures. What I didn’t realize at the time was how valuable those photos would become in my healing process and how they would transform my life.
I look at those photos now and remember the moments we shared, the laughter, the tears, the open and honest discussions, the compassion, but mostly the lack of regret. I helped comfort Mike in his last days. There were no restrictions. We ate the ice cream, we drank the beer, we cried, we laughed, we accepted. Hospice allows us the freedom to live each day as it is our last, because the reality is, our days are actually limited. The Society for the Promotion of Hospice Care in China has the motto, “When days cannot be added to life, add life to days”. I cannot think of a more appropriate phrase.
That experience with Mike made me realize how much end of life discussion is needed and how useful hospice photography is. I had never given it any thought before, after all it is a taboo subject. I want to help make the subject of death and dying more acceptable. It is inevitable and should be honored with the dignity it deserves. I want to help lessen the pain associated with death and dying.
I miss my both my brothers dearly and think of them often. However, I am still left with so many unresolved questions and regrets with Steve’s death. I have no choice but to accept that the questions of Steve’s death will remain unresolved, but I know Mike is at peace.
End of life is only the end as we know it, it is not the end of love.
Best Wishes
